Tie me up with jackets

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"

Witness: "By death."

Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."

Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

Witness: "Forty-five years."

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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "My name is Susan."

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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Lawyer: "What happened then?"

Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

Witness: "No."

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Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

Witness: "Yes sir."

Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Friend: I hope you're happy.

Me: I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this, I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY IN THE ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, MY FRIEND! SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME, LOOK INTO THE WESTERN SKY AS SOMEONE TOLD ME LATELY, EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE TO FLY AND IF I'M FLYING SOLO AT LEAST I'M FLYING FREE TO THOSE WHO'D GROUND ME TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME TELL THEM HOW I AM DEFYING GRAVITY, I'M FLYING HIGH, DEFYING GRAVITY, AND SOON I'LL MATCH THEM IN RENOWN, AND NOBODY IN ALL OF OZ, NO WIZARD THAT THERE IS OR WAS, IS EVER GONNA BRING ME DOWN! BRING ME DOWN! AW WAH WAH WAH WAH-AAAAAAAAH!

Friend:

Me: What.

director: so i was thinking about giving johnny depp the role fo-

tim burton: NO

tim burton: MINE